TV. The Box. The Telly. Getting square eyed. Getting Goggle Eyed. We loved it. We love it. Everybody Loved It. We talked about it. The next day. We carried last night in our heads. We reenacted it. In school. In those great spaces (before the next charlatan turned up)(“Who Have We Got Next?”) (“What have we got now?”) “Was haben Sie jetzt?”) . Also In Work Too. After Church. As Well As and in addition to Also.

We came home. (from School Church Work The Theatre The Match). We watched. (More, even MORE, and again, More). We were Shown our aspirations. The truncated working life of skilled men. (“I could do that”). We watched a rocket built in less than five minutes. (“I could do that”). We watched Cooks Berate Us. (“Ew. Yuk.”). (“It Looks Like Sick”). We of the sophisticated dining… Oh Yeah! Oooooohhh Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaah!

We Watched The News. ((“Disgraceful”). (“Ridiculous”)). We shouted “Get Back To Work”…”Shut Up”…”How Dare They?” and so on. We Watched Religion – (“Why did they say that?” – “What does He Know?”) and we LAUGHED at things that would now PUT YOU IN COURT because THEY WERE FUNNY…

But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But But

but it all stopped and the world became bland and nobody had any more ideas everybody ran out of originality orignally originality left them and that left them unoriginal and then nobody wanted to do any work really and they just sent a camera crew anywhere willy nilly and at first it was interesting to see how the handles were put on the cups and who flushed the factory pools coupons down the bogs and nipping out for a ciggie and the factory cat shitting on the floor and how the neighbours shot their neighbour and then went to court and wasn’t George a card and why did Milly swear when she could have said something different and then we saw more of it and then we went into bigger factories with more personalities more people more toilets more opinions more things more workers and we sat and sat and sat sat and sat and watched and watched and watched and watched more of this crap until it never dawned on us that most of what we were watching was mostly tobacco and cigarettes like they are products that never get any better and another one is just as crap as the last and nobody tries to improve things and we just lapped it lapped it lapped it all up just telly full of the things that. That what? That what what? WHAT?

While the news now lasted all day and all night, all the programmes that involved scriptwriters ended and now we just watched

  • Eating programmes where people never get fat. What is that about?
  • Driving programmes where people mess about in cars and never hurt themselves or others. What is that?
  • Cook a dinner with leftovers. Except that the “chef” has more leftovers from his “Sunday Roast” than most families eat in a month
  • Watch people live in unfeasably large kitchens where they only ever cut a slice of lemon for the “big gin that they earned”
  • People whose houses are just not as big as they want them (“land and garden for my goats I want goats and alpacas and a giraffe”)
  • Architects who are unrealistic about what is affordable (“you can afford it and let’s face it you’re worth it even if it breaks you emotionally financially anythingly”) (WTH or F – it’s good TV)
  • Overpaid Gobby Presenters enjoying even more expensive holidays and showing us the highlights of their enjoyment
  • Excess Excess Excess (and more EXCESS)

If you ain’t got excess you ain’t interesting – excess space excess food excess money excess dinner excess excess excess

Stupidity now presenting and masquerading as authority while only really able to read out loud (What is your skill? I can read what I am told to read. Can you make it sound like you thought of it? Sure I can. You’re hired.). (Can you be obtuse in your questions? Can you show a real lack of understanding? Can you do attitude without showing it? Yas Yes Yis Yos Yus…Yea..(Yay)…the job’s yours…

So here is a list of next year’s programmes:

  • How Much Mush Can I Eat Without Hurling?
  • My Kids Never Come Home They Live With The Neightbours For Free
  • Table Manners Don’t Count Here
  • We Think Your Restaurant Is Close To Being Closed
  • Help I Can’t Get In The Car
  • I Need More Holidays On A Coach
  • The Tao Of Elmer Fudd
  • Get Me A Shoehorn
  • I Make Ornaments For A Living
  • I Want To Be A Newsreader Big Time
  • Let’s Close Our Local School
  • Our Library Is Full Of Books
  • I Have Everything And I Still Don’t Have Enough
  • I Employ People And Pay Crap Wages And I Want To Cry On TV
  • It’s Supposed To Be About Houses But It’s Really About Me
  • Our Town Is Full Of Crap
  • I Want To Recycle More Stuff
  • My Bag Has A Hole In It
  • Neighbours Who Go To The Pharmacy In Cars
  • Someone’s Dog Pissed On My Shoe
  • Melting Stuff For Affordable Therapy
  • Help My Elastic Has Gone
  • Yoga and Flatulence Equal Nirvana
  • My Boyfriend Wants A Psycho Pet
  • Quinoa Heaven A Cure For Everything
  • Dumpster Auctions
  • I Want To Stop Effing Swearing
  • Show Us Your Pants
  • I Use Rhubarb Largely
  • I Get You To Give Me Your Crap And Then I Don’t Know What To Do With It
  • Medicinal Herbs And Leaves For Bad Stains and Marks
  • Show Us Your Town Bear
  • Canada For Beginners
  • Swab Your Neighbourhood
  • Uses For Cold Tea In An Emergency
  • Help Me I Have A Smile Dependency
  • I Need A Designer Ass
  • I Want To Be Royal
  • My Dog Has A Want
  • Watch Out The Boss Is A Loopy Lou
  • My Vacuum Cleaner Is Haunted
  • My Washing Has Brown Spots Still
  • Successful Politics For Beginners
  • Successful Indoor Volatile Activities
  • Responsible and Conscientious Comedy Studies
  • Show Us Your Etchings
  • Big Warts
  • Drawing Cooling Equipment
  • Help Unblock My Toilet
  • Gosh Our Drains Stink
  • Building Your Plate With Sincerity
  • My Lavatory Has A Ghost In It
  • Baking Designs And Piercings For Fun
  • Show Us Your Bloomers
  • Polly Want A Biscuit
  • Dance Your Way To Arthritis
  • Banana Designs For Living
  • Oh No I Sat In My Dinner
  • Electric Cars and Kiss of Life Locomotion
  • The Filth In Next Door’s Yard
  • Goosing As A Career
  • Throat Music And Coughers
  • Do You Resent Your Feet?
  • Knickers On Prescription
  • I Am Not Sweeping That Up
  • Look At The Contents Of This Bin


There’s tons of it.




(It’s what tv is all about…

(Oh and the Adverts…

2 thoughts on “TV NOW

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